Haynes Car DIY maintenance manuals

[Gollywobbler]

Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Be warned

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some mole-grips and a hammer

Haynes: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that’s it, that big spherical blobs of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother Alternatively, clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do

[calNgary]

Is your car broke Gill?lol,,a lot of them instructions applied to the trampoline we put up on boxing day!!!lol,,maybe this is why men dont read instructions or ask for directions!!
Cal x

[The Broughtons]

This is so true Gill. I remember the day Mr B decided to do some work on his motorbike and asked me to assist. It took both of us to figure out what the manual actually meant and then both of us to actually carry out the instruction.

Cheers for the laugh!
Felicity